My life goal

Die young and have a good looking corpse.

Birth

There was 3 men standing in the waiting room all waiting to hear about they're baby's who are begin born. The nurse headed over to the first man and said, "Your wife has given birth to twins." With all the excitement going on he still manages to inform everyone that he plays for the Minnesota twins, so its a cool coincidence. The nurse goes to the next man and says, "Your wife has given birth to triplets." He replies, "that's amazing, I work for the ThreeM company." The nurse finally reaches the third man and before she says anything he starts to cry intensely and then faints after a moment. After waking him up they ask what the problem was, he told them "I work for 7UP!!!"

You Stay Classy San Diego

Quotes from Anchorman:

You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.

[thinks Baxter the dog has just called him] Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee.

Hey Garth! How's the divorce?

I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!

Brian Fantana: [speaking of a musk] They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.

Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
[pause]
Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them? Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp! I love lamp.

Quotes Me and Ron Burgundy may have in common:

Hey everyone... come and see how good I look!

Don't act like you're not impressed!

Ohh, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

helicopter ride

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR,
AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED ," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE
IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID
" ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER,
I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE".
ESTHER REPLIED" MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, " FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE.IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'TCHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID ALL HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER , BUT STILL NOT A WORD. WHEN
THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED "WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

Bit too late...

A guy was helping a buddy of mine, who was an orthopedic surgeon, move to his new office, and using his car to help transport some of his office equipment. He had decided to position his somewhat fragile display skeleton strapped into the back seat of his car, his bony arm across the back of his seat. Not thinking, he hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became quite obvious. He looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to a doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. and commented, "I hate to tell you, but I looks like you may be a bit too late!"

10 things to say when caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the timemanagement course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got herejustin time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement andenvisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-relatedstress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handlethat big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you putyour ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at yourdesk.......

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

Gurney

I love what gurn said about women!

For my dear sweet Edna

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnocologist

and when women have real trouble it's a

HISterectomy

So for all you woman... all your problems start with us men!

For animal lovers

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."- Missy Dizick

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes."

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WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don't criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
10. Dogs don't cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
20. A dog's parents never visit.

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I've been noticing more often that cats and dogs are acting a lot more like people. Cats for example act like druggys,"hey dude, do ya.. do ya wanna pet me? No? ok, whatever.. I'm gonna go sleep now."and then theres dogs which are like the guy who wears a helmet everywhere but isnt on a hockey team, rides the small bus, and follows you around just getting in the way,"HEY GUY!!! Whats up?!?!?! wanna play a game? HUH? do YA? I do.. we should play a game! how about you scratch me? wanna scratch me?"

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One fall day, Dave was raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog and then about 200 men walking in single file.Intrigued, Dave ran up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife", the man replied."I'm sorry", replied Dave. "What happened to her?""My dog bit her and she died".Dave then asked the man who was in the second hearse.The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well"."Can I borrow the dog?" says Dave."Get in line," replied the man

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Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
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10 Reasons why Dogs Don't Use Computers:
1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
2. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
3. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
4. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
5. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
6. Still trying to come up with "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
7. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
9. Saliva-coated mouse gets might difficult to maneuver.
10. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS ! Now, cats, on the other hand .....

Stop Smokers

About time I dis the war

"One weekend a month my butt!"
-U.S. Army Reservist in Iraq taped a piece of cardboard to the front window of his HMMWV

"I wish these people no ill will, really. I just wish they would surrender and we could get this all over with."- Col. Mark Hildenbrand, commander of the 937th Engineer Group

"Well, I can't say just where we are, but we're not in Kansas anymore."
-Embedded reporter commenting on troop movements (CNN or Fox news)

Q: Mr. Secretary, what evidence do you have that it's actually working, thatthere are actually Iraqis who are heeding this call to --
Rumsfeld: We have evidence.
Q: And what sort of evidence is that?
Rumsfeld: Good evidence.

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

This president failed so miserably in diplomacy that we are now forced to war. --Tom Daschle, last week, when President Bush, struck Iraq

Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there. --Jay Leno

The debate between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein may not happen due to language problems. One of them does not have a firm grasp on the language and the other is from Iraq.
--Unknown

Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein." --Jay Leno

The Pentagon announced today the existence of a new terrorist group in Iraq. This new group is known as Saddam Hussein's Iraqi Terrorists (S-H-I-T).

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now" said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment."
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Paddy rang the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well."
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin' Mr. Hussein. I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners!"

Blond Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it
to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then
handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a
cop.

Typing Contest

Greg told this really funny joke at youth:

Satan and Jesus were having a typing contest and God was the judge of it. They'd been practicing for weeks and were ready to go... so they sat at their computers and began to type. At the beginning Satan just went crazy and was just cruising, so fast that smoke was coming from the keyboard, while Jesus on the other hand was taking a slow steady pace, occasionally using his mouse for who knows what. So half way threw while Satan was way ahead, there was a power out. They rebooted their computers and had start over. Satan, who's a 16th of away through his new page, looks over and notices Jesus is nearly down his page.
He goes "WHAT!!! How did u get so far so fast?"
So God replied, "JESUS SAVES!!! JESUS SAVES!!!"

Hurt Today

There was great hurt today
no laughter, no children at play.
I sniffled and cried looking all around
not a smile in sight, in its place a frown.
Saw friends crying, praying and hugging
during that time of hurting there's so much loving.
So I dismissed my pain and forgot my feelings
I welcomed the change and began the healing.
There was great hurt today
we gathered around and began to pray.

Jacob Wrestles With God

-That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok.
-After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions
-So Jacob was left alone, and a angel wrestled with him till daybreak.
-When the angel saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the angel.
-Then the angel said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
-The angel asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
-Then the angel said, "Your angel will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
-Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
-So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

Cheezy christian jokes

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out A little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord. A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible? A. It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun.