Horoscope

Aquarius

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus

You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from an open window

Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying

If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

For more detail, listen to "Your Horoscope for today" by Weird Al Yankovic.

A Sons Nightmare

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

Gods Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of his best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. Well, he thought for a moment and thought maybe he'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good."

God said this was not good. So he decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going....

Do you know what that e-mail said?... Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.

4 Sons

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

The "eight" days of creation

On the first day God brought light

On the second day, God formed the atmosphere

On the third day, God changed the shape of the earth's surface

On the fourth day, God put the sun, the moon and stars into their orbit.

On the fifth day of Creation, God made the life that moves in the oceans, lakes and rivers. Then He filled the sky with an assortment of colorful birds

On the sixth day, God set about creating animals to fill the land

On the seventh day, God rested from His labor

And on the eighth day God created beer so Canadians wouldn't take over the world

New blogger

We have have a new blogger among us. Check out Nicole Woolner's new blog.

Mixing

I think that we should mix people that would never ordinarily go together.

Hindu & Jew = Baby Hinjews
Italian & Jamaicans = Baby Pastaferions
Ice Lander & Cuban = Baby Ice cubes
Germen & Newfie = Baby Goofies
French & Greek = Baby Freaks

secret games of the GUY HOUSE!

In my house we have think distinct games that I believe everyone should be aware of.

Game #1 - Find the Smell: Usually its us.

Game #2 - Cheese Thing: Smother a random object with cheese, eat it, and see if you can guess the object.

Game #3 - Cheese Fantasy: Imagine something and pretend there's cheese on it.

Superhero - Stephen Lynch

If I could be a superhero
I would be awesome man
I’d fly around the world fighting crime
According to my awesome plan
And if I saw criminals trying to lie
Hurting other people and making them cry
I’d haul them off to jail in my awesome van
‘Cause I would be awesome man

Now, Some criminals want you to be a criminal
And they offer you things like drugs, alcohol
But we know what to do, kids
We just say ‘No’

If I could be a superhero
I would be Drug-Free boy
Telling the world of the evils of drugs
And all of the lives they destroy
Well I would take all the junk
He’s getting so high
With their needles and bongs
And their sticks of tye
As I burn them alive I would squeal with joy
Because I would be drug-free boy

If I could be a superhero
I'd be Immigration dude
I’d send all the foreigners back to their homes
For eating up all of our food
And taking our welfare and best jobs to boot
Like landscaping, dishwashing, picking our fruit
I’d pass a lot of laws to get rid of their food
‘Cause I’d be Immigration Dude

Kids, You can make up your very own superhero
If you could, Who would it be?

If I a superhero
Would you be justice guy
Making sure people get what they deserve
Especially women who lie
Like if a wife left her husband
With three kids and no job
To run off to Hawaii
With some doctor named bob
You can skin them and drain them of blood so they die
Especially bob
Then you would be justice guy

Or you could be more sutle
No, I didn’t mean to be vague
Give her the mad cow disease
Let him die of the plague
As long as they suffer for their terrible lies
Especially Bob
Then You would be Justice Guy
Yes then you would be a super hero like me

Blog

Our boy Marcus Greenshields has joined the blogging world.

Dress

I went to disneyland and my only goal was to buy Emma a dress... I'm glad to say I accomplished my goal.

School

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO skools over anned i learned nofing all yeer!

A crazy thought

if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diareah, does that mean 1 enjoys it?

I'm Back I guess

New pick-up lines
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

Excuse me, but do you have tickets?
Tickets for what?
(Points to arm and flex) To the gun show!

Good day for weather.

My name is Justin. Justincredible.

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.....

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.