Believe It Or Not!

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

Ever Wonder?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do people drive on parkways and park in driveways?

Jealousy will conquer us all

On a plane

I was on a plane and the stewardess asked me, "would you care for an orange juice" so I said "well if it needed me"

God..

There was this comedian on TV a few nights ago and he said something I found rather entertaining:

I think God is a woman, and I'll tell you why! The story of Job...

Job said
"God, you took my land, you took my house, and you took my family. What did I do wrong?"

God replied:
"Well, if you don't know, then I'm not gonna tell you!"

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips.
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown.
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." WC Fields.
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." Jeff Marder.
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett.
"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth."Patrick Murray.
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."George Burns.
"I like children - fried."W.C. Fields.
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."Sacha Guitry.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison.
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out."Rodney Dangerfield.
"I rob banks because that's where the money is."Willie Sutton.
"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you."B.L. Taylor.
"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail."Gore Vidal.
"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" Steven Wright.
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."Quentin Crisp.
"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit."Peter Beckmann.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeners.
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." Les Dawson.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..." Steven Wright.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" Steven Wright.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night." Charlie Brown.
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." Emo Philips.
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." Steven Wright.
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."Rowan Atkinson.

Really lame music jokes

Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
A: The bass player notices.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?""You're a drummer, aren't you?""Yeah. How'd you know?""This is a travel agency."

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Everything I ever wanted to know I learned from video games

• There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
• If it moves, KILL IT!
• Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
• One lone "good guy" can defeat an infinite number of "bad guys".
• Make sure you eat all food lying on the ground.
• You can break things and get away with it.
• You can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
• If someone dies, they disappear.
• If you get mad enough, you can fight even better.
• You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
• You can operate all weapons without training.
• No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
• Death is reversible (only for you!)
• Ninjas are common and frequently fight in public.
• Whenever big fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
• You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
• All women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
• Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil.
• Don't worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
• A thousand-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.

Meeting

Had a youth meeting tonight, and I must say, we are the oddest bunch to be a youth group. Every youth idea was violent (sweet) and just some much laughter. Nothing seemed to be serious. OH and Aber making fun of Nate and Greg, good times!

Don't always get what you want! 

Drunks, EVERYWHERE

I was sitting in English class and we were reading a short story about some drunk dad. The guy who sits next to me, his names Jeff, starts to tell us this awesome story:

My grandma lived down the street from a bar like 30 years before she died and she had this old dog. Everyday this dog snuck out of the house and ran down to the bar where the bartender had even bought him a doggy bowl. So everyday this dog would go there, the bartender would fill the bowl up with beer and the dog would drink it. Then the dog would go home and pass out on the floor next to the stove or oven and burnt its feet.

I don't know if you people care, but I just thought that was awesome.

Silly Rabbi

There was this valley, and it was populated by this group of people called the Trids. The Trids led an idyllic life, except for one part. There was a giant, who always walked around and booted the trids off of high places. One day a Rabbi came to the valley, and hearing of the trids plight, he confronted the giant.“Why do you kick these Trids?” asked the Rabbi“Because I feel like it.” replied the Giant“Then why don’t you kick me as well?” Challenged the Rabbi.“Silly Rabbi,” laughed the Giant, “kicks are for Trids!”

The coolest guy EVER!

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman ...

On a recent transatlantic flight from New York, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man from the Bronx stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ...

One button at a time ...

No one moves ...

He removes his shirt ...

Muscles ripple across his chest ...

She gasps ...

He whispers ... "Iron this and get me something to eat!"

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Your good enough!

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...
AND
Lazarus was dead!
What do you have that’s worse than that?
So no more excuses!
God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message,
you are just the messenger.

I heard...

I heard a quote recently which really got me thinking... do you ever date girls because your suposed too?