Oh no! more children church jokes!

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
This is the best one. A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN - By Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Mysteries of Age

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.Whoa!
Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60.
You didn't think you would!So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92.
"Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Materialistic

A very successful investment banker parked his brandnew Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it offto his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off thedriver's door of the Lexus.

The investment banker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the investment banker started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the investment banker finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust anddisbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic youinvestment bankers are," he said. "You are so focusedon your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the investment banker.The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize thatyour left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
My God!" screamed the investment banker. "WHERE'S MY ROLEX?"

Little twisted around perhaps?

Quote from the first episode of Corner Gas...
Brent: Maybe shes changing the cafe into a drug lab so he can get the kids hooked on the crack cocaine and the crystal meth, because you know what comes after that.... marijuana.... then jazz music, forget about it !

Silver and Cold - AFI

"Silver And Cold"

I... I came here by day, but I left here in darkness

And found you, found you on the way

And now, it is silver and silent, it is silver and cold

You, in somber resplendence, I hold

Your sins into me

Oh, my beautiful one

Your sins into me

As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer

And I'll beg for forgiveness

(Your sins into me) Your sins into me

Oh, my beautiful one

Light, like the flutter of wings, feel your hollow voice rushing into me

As you're longing to sing

So I... I will paint you in silver, I will wrap you in cold

I will lift up your voice as I sink

Your sins into me

Oh, my beautiful one, nowYour sins into me

As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer

And I'll beg for forgiveness

(Your sins into me) Your sins into me

Cold in life's throws, I'll fall asleep for you

Cold in life's throws, I only ask you turn away

Cold in life's throws, I'll fall asleep for you

Cold in life's throws, I only ask you turn

As they seep... into me, oh, my beautiful one, now

Your sins into me

Oh, my beautiful one

Your sins into me

As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer

And I'll beg for forgiveness

(Your sins into me)Your sins into me... oh

Your sins into me

Oh, my beautiful one, now

Your sins into me

As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer

And I'll beg for forgiveness

(Your sins into me) Your sins into...

(Your sins into me) Your sins into me

Oh, my beautiful one

Mother In Laws

Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler

Q: How do you stop your mother in law from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her head.

Q: What should you do if you see your Mother-In-Law rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot her again.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a mother in law?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish!

I bought my Mother in law a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.

Q: Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?A: Because, deep down, they really are very nice people.

I'm trying to get my mother-in-law to go ice fishing before the ice gets too thick.

Q: What does a mother-in-law call her broom?
A: Basic transportation.

Movies...

Jill: Have you read the Bible?
Jack: No, I'm waiting for the film to come round.

My quote of the day

Brianne - "msn is so boring"
Me - "Ya, i know, but im bored!"

joke of the day

Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland. They saw a sign that read "DisneyLand Left." So they went home.