Celebrities speak

Death would be a beautiful place if it looks like Brad Pitt .
--Carmen Electra

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
--Dolly Parton

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
--Bill Cosby

When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house. One was me, and the other was my guitar.
--Bruce Springsteen

A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.
--Marilyn Monroe

Nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot.
--Clint Eastwood

It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference.
--Tom Brokaw

Heroes are people who rise to the occasion and slip quietly away.
--Tom Brokaw

In the early 80's, I was pretty innocent and confused. I was like Marie Osmond, only with bigger eyelashes.
--Boy George

Keep your mouth shut

A car was pulled over on a road and the cop approaches the drivers window.
The cop says, "Do you know what you were doing back there?"
So the driver replies "Was I driving too slow?"
His wife says to the cop, "Don't worry officer, he's always like this when hes drunk!"
The guy in the back seat yells, "I told you we shouldn't have stolen this car!!!"
Then a knock on the back drunk is heard followed by, "Are we over the border yet?"

Club joke

A baby seal walks into a club...

10 Reasons Why I Will Always Be Single

Due to a comment on my last blog by an unknown assailant, I have made my 10 Reasons Why I Will Always Be Single!

1. No ones worthy.
2. I'm just too cool.
3. Making jokes that offend people(women) is fun.
4. Girl know they aren't good enough for me.
5. If you cant make killer pie, don't even try!
6. I'm too good at rhyming.
7. Barbara, two weeks younger and we coulda been something.
8. Music is my girlfriend.
9. My standards are high, but fair for who I am.
10. I'm a Williams???

Why Guitars Are Better Then Women

#Guitars don't get pregnant
#You can play your guitar any time you want
#Guitars don't have parents
#Guitars don't whine... Unless you want them to
#You can share you guitar with you friends
#Guitars don't care how many other guitars you've played
#Guitars don't care how many other guitars you have
#Guitars don't care if you look at other guitars
#Guitars don't care if you buy guitar magazines
#You'll never here "Surprise, you are going to be a proud father of a new guitar" unless you go out and buy one yourself
#If your guitar is flat you can fix it
#Your guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it
#Your guitar won't care if you leave the toilet seat up
#You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your guitar
#If you say bad things to your guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play again
#You can play your guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore
#You can stop playing your guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated
#Your parents won't remain in touch with your old guitar after you dump it
#Guitars won't get headaches
#Guitars won't insult you if you are a bad player
#Your guitar never wants a night out with the other guitars
#Guitars don't care if your late
#You don't have to take a shower before you play guitar
#If your guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get some new parts
#You can play your guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother
#The only protection you have to wear when you playing guitar is a decent thumb pick
#When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your guitar

Gone hunting

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operater: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voices replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Billboards

Abolish Billboards
Get some balls - Wilson Sport Supplies
Beef (mostly) - McDonalds
Face it, you'll never come up with anything clever on your own - Hallmark
Our products suck - Hoover Vacuums
World domination is for small thinkers - Wallmart
Helping kids read gooder - Hooked on Phonics
Pixie Sticks, because not every kid can afford crack!
Making us all wish we were blind - Speedo
C'mon, say "adios" to your stomach lining - Coca-Cola
Say no to drugs... that way you'll have more time to drink - Budweiser
Change is good - American Vending Machine Association
Let us help you cut the cheese - Crate&Barrel cutlery
Still tastes better then urine - Dr.Pepper
Gossip Sucks (pass it on).
If you were homeless you'd be home by now.
Lose weight fast... its called amputation.
Techron, deffinatly not some word we made up.
50% off every day - Midget World
Don't blame us for her crappy mood -Tampax
Screw it, nothing else is open at this hour - Denny's
So much better then parenting - Ritalin
We're proud of our privates - U.S. Army
Proudly ignoring tooth decay since 1786 - The Royal British Dental Accademy
We live where you live, Creepy huh? - State Farm Insurance
Your hair cut could be worse - SuperCuts
Remeber, your unique... just like everyone else!

Confessional

One day an old man enters a church confessional.

Old man- "Father, I'm 75 years old. I've been married for 50 years. All these years I have been faithful to my wife but yesterday I had an affair with an 18 year old."

Priest- "When is the last time you made a confession?"

Old man- "I never have, I'm Jewish."

Priest- "Then why are you telling me all this?"

Old man- "Dude... I'm telling everyone!"

Odd phobias

Aerophobia- Fear of swallowing air.
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of school.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.
Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down.
Levophobia- Fear of objects to the left side of the body.
Phobophobia- Fear of fear.
Peladophobia - Fear of bald people.
Unatractiphobia - Fear of ugly people.

Un-named phobias

Fear of Going Back in Time, Getting Stuck There, Then Contracting a Disease that's Curable Now, but Won't Be Curable Then.
Fear of Large Bodies of Water Because There Might Be Shopping Carts Down There.
Fear that Aliens are Spying on You Through your Windows at Night.
Fear of a Flux in the Time-Space Continuum.
Fear of Being Drowned By Peacocks.
Fear of Spontaneously Developing Tourette's Syndrome.
Fear of Cannibal Siamese Twins.
Fear of Being Shot by a Spider in the Middle of the Night.
Fear that Everybody in the World is an Actor, and that You're the Big Joke.
Fear of Dying and Having Pets Blame Themselves.
Fear of Being Pushed Out a Window By the Family Dog.

My favorite Fear

Timbrolfslorophobia - Fear of being chased my a timber wolf in you kitchen with wood flooring while wearing wool socks.

W.C. Fields and Winston Churchill

W.C. Fields
"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
"Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live."
"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
Winston Churchill
"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
"A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him."
"Eating words has never given me indigestion."

Nun in a Cab

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well. I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1. You have to be single and #2. You must be catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says "Ok, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I Lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's ok, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Bad Luck

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you're there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"what dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

A True Story

A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.
"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."
"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."
"There's something you should know" the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."
"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."
"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."
"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."
At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.

Black Sheep... By: Martin Sexton

Sittin in this lonely town wonderin when things are gonna change
Dreamin my life away and it seems them dreams they turned into a bunch of dust clouds
Gettin my nerve up but my past is pullin me down wonderin how long this black sheep can stick around

Somebody told me once before you can never go home again once you leave say anything just to steer me away from the truth of what I who I am and what I believe
So I thanked him for his two cents with a shake and some sympathy and I packed up my blue jeans and I headed for the big prize of my freedom

Bye bye black sheep
black sheep of the family
Bye bye black sheep how that means so much to me
Bye bye to my friends and to my family
bye bye black sheep goin off and set my soul set it free

Times they were changin I did just a little re-arrangin take a couple chances my progress it advances to that prize of my freedom
It's written in the stars that steel bars never will a prison cell make once I find that sweet home or a place I like to call home anyway some people will say I'm crazy singin out loud like I do here on the street when I got A song I sing it out loud and if you don't like that my friend well I'm gonna say to you

10 things you don't want to tell a cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
10. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? " You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Howie

On my past blog about leaving a good looking corpse I received a number of comments about my grandpa... a.k.a. The Howie! So those comments have brought me to the conclusion that the women of the church/my brother, are in love with - The Howie - (but who isn't) so he should be my blog of the day. What many of you don't know is that The Howie is not just looks, but has many other fine qualities as well (not really, hes just looks). Recently I told my parents a story about when I was little that shocked me they they hadn't heard:

HES THE BEST GANDPA EVER! You know hes a good grandfather when he wakes you up at 1am when you're 8 years old and everyone else is asleep and says that you haven't had the proper intake of pop for the day so you have to drink another can.

that's my favorite story of all time.

Another one of my grandpas other good qualities is story telling. Actually making a child believe that there's a conspiracy about fruitloops. Red loops make you cool - Green make you smart - Purple do everything - Orange makes girls like you (ewwww yuck!) - and so on....

On our last NTLA The Howie grew a "rusky woodsman beard" and kept it for an extra week to scare the kids at the bible camp.

Oh Howie... My hero!

All I Need

So Greg sings this song called "All I Need" by Shawn McDonald, its now labelled as "Gregs Song" and i have alot to say about it. Greg is a new pastor who is a great speeker, but lately hes been surprizing me. His singing has come from know where and the youth group loves it. No matter how many times people like Jordanna hear Gregs Song, they want to hear it again. Before my eyes i see this guy, who is like a brother to me, grow with his singing. Hes now one of my favorite worship leaders (hes no Scott Williams, but who is?) and I'm just so amazed at what hes doing for the church and the youth.

Hypocrites

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

By: Anonymous

My favorite verses...

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Acts 1:18

Now this man obtained a field with the reward for his wickedness, and falling headlong, his body burst open, and all his intestines gushed out.

Christian One-Liners.

Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.Give God what's right -- not what's left.
We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.